Wow, you guys. Yesterday’s post about Amendment One really struck a chord with some of you and a nerve with others; I’m completely overwhelmed by how many of you have been sharing it on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. (Probably other social networks I don’t even know about, too!)
So since a lot of new folks just started reading the blog yesterday, I thought it might be time to write something a bit more personal. Vulnerability is good for the soul, I think, and in a highly charged political climate like this one, sometimes it’s a good idea to just drop our defenses and be totally honest.
First, if you haven’t already done so, check out this interview with me on Rachel Held Evans’ blog. It will give you the important background you need to know about me and the purpose of my blog, and it will answer all those burning questions you have.
Seriously, it will.
I mean it. Go read it, then come back. You’ll be glad you did.
I’ll wait.
Okay, all on the same page now? Good.
So today, in the name of vulnerability, I’ve decided to just open up to the world about things I often think about but don’t normally talk about. So without further ado, here are 30 honest confessions.
1. I don’t really know how to be a blogger. I’m afraid of running out of things to say. I look up to the prolific bloggers out there and wonder how they do it.
2. Because I deal with controversial issues, I frequently get heavy criticism from people on both sides. I tell everyone that I’m used to it and that I don’t let it get to me. That’s a lie. The truth is, I take every criticism to heart, and I don’t know how not to.
3. I want everyone to like me. When I find out that someone is unhappy with me or a decision I’ve made, I want to do everything in my power to hear them out and work it out. If they won’t talk about it, it literally keeps me up at night.
4. I tell the same jokes and stories a lot. I can get away with it because I travel a lot.
5. When driving, I secretly chide people for speeding. Then when I see a police car, I check my speed and slow down. I’m a hypocrite.
6. I often skip breakfast.
7. I hate being the “gay Christian” guy. It’s exhausting. I’d rather just be known for my faith and the things that make me unique as a person.
8. I have no hair due to a genetic auto-immune disorder called alopecia areata. I say I’m not self-conscious about it at all, and that’s true, but I miss having eyebrows.
9. My real signature doesn’t look like my name at all. I’ve spent actual time (a lot of actual time) wondering whether I should sign with my real signature or a more legible version when I start signing copies of my book.
10. Speaking of which, I’ve written my first book, and I’m embarrassed by how exciting that is for me. I try not to bring it up in conversation too much, because I think people will think I’m self-absorbed if I do. But to me, it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done and I think about it alllll the time. Seriously. If you talk to me anytime between now and November, I’m probably thinking about this book. I feel kind of pathetic for that, but I can’t help it.
11. I talk too much.
12. One of my favorite Christian bands, Sixpence None the Richer, once had a song with the line, “By the way, when I kneel to pray, it never seems You’re there. And I’ll admit that I do not try, when it’s easier to sit down and cry. I’m so full of doubt; wanna let it out, let it out over You.” I totally get that.
13. I don’t like conflict. When people start fighting online, it upsets me a great deal.
14. I really, really enjoy hearing and discussing points of view that are different from mine. If someone disagrees with me and is willing to have a thoughtful, gracious discussion about our differences, I’m on cloud nine. If they’re unkind, though, I find it stressful, and it bothers me more than it should when people can’t tell the difference between the two.
15. I can’t cook. In my apartment, a home-cooked meal comes out of the microwave.
16. I want to be a good role model, but I don’t want to represent all gay Christians, or all gay people, or all Christians. I think about all my flaws, and I’m always afraid that people will see those flaws and use them to discount entire groups of people because of my own personal sinfulness.
17. I get really embarrassed when white Americans try to talk about race and get all awkward because they are too afraid of saying the wrong thing.
18. I feel awkward sometimes when I talk about race. I try really hard not to let it show, because I don’t want to be one of those people.
19. Back in the 90s, when N*Sync was popular, my younger sister listened to them, and I looked down my nose at them. This week, I downloaded one of their old songs on iTunes and listened to it repeatedly. I’m too embarrassed to tell you which song it was.
20. I’m terrible at returning email. I put it off until it gets buried, and then feel awful about it.
21. I’m really insecure. I work very hard not to let it show.
22. I’ve never actually seen Titanic all the way through.
23. As a kid, I was so determined to preach against homosexuality that I said a lot of things without realizing how hurtful they must have been to any gay people who heard me. Now, when people say hurtful things like that to me, I secretly feel like I deserve it.
24. I’m a perfectionist. I think I drive my coworkers crazy.
25. I’m paranoid about running red lights, so sometimes I stop too early on a yellow and then feel bad for the person behind me.
26. As a Christian, I believe that my sins are 100% paid for by Jesus and that once I ask forgiveness for them, I don’t need to wallow in guilt anymore. Somehow, that doesn’t stop a few particularly bad mistakes I’ve made from popping back into my head over and over again, making me feel guilty each time.
27. I don’t like that I sometimes lose my temper.
28. I am really, really interested in people, but I meet so many of them in my line of work that I sometimes forget whether I’ve met someone or not. I live in fear of not remembering people.
29. Sometimes I get tired of being around Christians, even though I am a Christian and my faith is the most important thing in my life.
30. I sing in the car, and pretend not to be embarrassed when someone I know sees me doing it.
And just for good measure…
31. I just read back over this list and can’t decide if it makes me sound neurotic or not. I hope not. I really don’t want people to think I’m neurotic. Please don’t think I’m neurotic. Oh no, this isn’t helping. I should shut up now. Okay, shutting up. (Not neurotic!)
Those are a few of my confessions. What are yours?
